Ah yes. Thanksgiving. A time to gorge ourselves into physical pain, share our gratitude in long winded Facebook posts, and listen to Clay Aiken’s Christmas CD with utter abandon since the holiday season is now upon us. Many will argue that this feast is their favorite holiday, but like most savvy materialistic females, I have to disagree. There is nothing quite like the joy, the thrill that Black Friday offers. The promise of abundant savings, copious purchases, and spending my month’s rent in a matter of hours makes Black Friday my favorite national holiday.
My older sister and I have observed this day for as long as I can remember. We try to go to a different mall every year and hope that one year we will make it all the way to The Mall of America. (I have goosebumps thinking about it.) The rules are simple. Feel free to take notes and participate in the fun!
- Wake up at an ungodly early hour. Curse everything. Bright lights, the cold, even Black Friday itself until you get at least two cups of coffee in your system.
- Hope with every ounce of misguided optimism you can muster that there will be a parking spot right up front. When you park in the next town over, shrug it off and reason that this is all a part of the fun.
- You can only buy for yourself. Christmas shopping is reserved for the week before Christmas. Why waste these fabulous deals on others when you are, in fact, needy?
- Big purchases first. Early on you have the most strength and vigor. Those bags get heavy. Take a trip to the car before lunch and drop them off.
- Lunch before noon with cocktails. Nothing says shopping spree like a sensible libation. Liquor gives you the ability to justify any and all purchases.
- You must make at least one impulse purchase. Do I really need it? Do I really love it? Doesn’t matter. You’re getting it for a fabulous price and need to stop asking so many questions.
- Go home and count up how much you spent and how much you saved. Savings should be the larger number. Also, take stock of how many shopping bags you have. If you find a purchase you forgot making, you have had a successful experience.
Clearly, I’m a seasoned shopper and advocate for supporting the economy. That said, I am seriously offended by the birth of Brown/Gray Thursday. There is some discrepancy over the color in this title, but I say we call it Thanksgiving, because that’s what it is and should forever be. (Besides both of those colors are gross. Black is timeless.) This whole start shopping on Thursday movement is rude and a blatant disregard of tradition. Yes, I’m speaking for the voiceless retail workers, but more importantly, I’m speaking for Black Friday’s dignity. We need to put an end to this madness and save Black Friday deals for the only appropriate day. Friday. Otherwise, it’s false advertising, and I’m writing a nasty letter to the BBB.
Here is a collection of treasured memories from Black Fridays Past.
4 thoughts on “The Joy that is Black Friday”
Hilarious! And I will bear witness to the truth of it all. Who else would know better than the woman who bore both of you shopaholics?
My daughter and I had this same rant. Brown Thursday, is THANKSGIVING! Now they are having sales that start at 6pm, 8pm and Midnight…and as my other daughter in FL, found out today, they SAY they are going to hand out the tickets to get the $500 savings tv at 6pm to be sold at 8pm…but when you show up at 5pm, you find that they not only handed out tickets, but SOLD all the tvs! Three hours before they were supposed to be on sale. So, we got online and she found the exact tv at Radio Shack for only $2 more, with free shipping and a $90 giftcard for online shopping this weekend. Still it took away the fun that we used to have. The last tv she got was when she and her now husband were dating and he helped her camp out at Target (setting up a puptent just after dinner, till the store opened at 5am). All that fun, that proof that you can not only (as a wife/mom) cook a fully Thanksgiving dinner, eat your fill…yet get up as early as it takes *or not sleep at all* to get the bargains to save your family money and get as many of the items on your list as possible at the huge discounts they offer. Now? My younger daughter and I tried to go to Walmart after dinner, since the sales were starting within an our or so, we figured we’d miss out on some items. We had our ‘divide and conquer’ plan all ready, then we turned onto the roadway toward the parking lot. It looked like a scene out of The Walking Dead…hordes of slow moving people walking from Target’s parking lot (it was closed), people walking in the road, between, in front of and beside cars…as we neared the front, I jumped out, thinking to run and grab something I didn’t want my grown child to see, while she parked the car and headed over to get some baby toys for our first grand kid. I was almost at the door when I saw a Walmart employee turning people away! Why? The store was at ‘full capacity’. Then I saw the line…it looked like one of the old lines I remembered…the ones for stores that close on Thanksgiving and open at 5am…but this one was for people wanting in, and only being allowed to move forward as someone exited! So, I’m having a ‘Blue Friday/Really still Thursday’…no fun w/ my girl, no bargains, no grand finale/kick off to Christmas. So, we are watching Punkin Chunkin on Discovery. 😦
I. Am. So. Sorry. While humanity has let you don’t, leftover stuffing never will. I encourage you to find solace in it’s warmth.
I could swear I heard patriotic music as I was reading this. @Sherrod _small says it’s racist calling it Black Friday 😎