My Cousin Donny

So I just watched “My Cousin Vinny” for the first time last week. I know. Crazy that it took me so long! What’s better than a film with Marisa Tomei, the Karate Kid, and heavy New York accents? Not much. Except maybe one of my elaborate metaphors that equates today’s GOP bro-battle to this early 90’s courtroom comedy.

That’s right. I’m. About. To go there.

Donald Trump is Joe Pesci. He’s the outsider. The big talker. The guy who has a style all his own, with the kind of deluded self-confidence you wish you had. He’s there to clean up the mess.

America is Ralph Macchio. We’re in a pickle. We need someone on our side. Someone who will defend our character, our interests, and make us great again. Donny says he’ll do the job. He’ll come to our rescue, and we are thrilled!

The only problem is, he’s never done it before.

Which, isn’t a yuge problem. I mean, he’s been around. He understands how the system works, so we’ll give Donny the benefit of the doubt.

But then he starts talking. What is he saying? His verbiage is unorthodox, which, honestly, is very entertaining, but hey, our lives are on the line here! Does he even know how the system works? We want a guy who will be able to deliver what he promised.

And so some of us get nervous. The #NeverTrump crowd is Mitchell Whitfield, Macchio’s friend. He freaks out and (for a bit) decides he’d rather go with the guy who’s been around the block. The public defender. A bit more, established, if you will. Sure he has an awful stutter, but he’s technically saying all of the right things.

And the ones who are the most frustrated with Donny are female voters, aka Marisa Tomei. It’s a love hate relationship with this guy (as in roughly half of female GOP voters can see themselves supporting Trump, and the other half can’t.) His thick head (of hair) and New York stubbornness is almost impossible to get through. But if he wants female support, us ladies are really going to have to put our foot down… the clock is ticking.

Now is the time for Donny to ask the question I ask myself at least once a day, “What would Joe Pesci do?” I sure hope he’s seen the film, because the answer lies in the script:

If you want to win, you need to play by the rules.

Pesci studies. He prepares. He completely immerses himself into the environment he wants to thrive in. (“were these magic grits?”)

But that doesn’t mean Don needs to completely abandon his style. Does Pesci? Of course not. He uses his style to his advantage, but he knows his audience. And he’s not too proud to adjust in a way that will render the best result.

He’s also not too proud to accept help when it’s offered to him. Trump’s campaign staff is also Marisa Tomei. She wants to help. She tries offering him advice. And just as she’s about to throw in the towel, Pesci realizes he needs her to win the case. He needs an expert. She was at his fingertips all along, and finally, he grabs on.

So please, Donny, I beg of you, watch this movie, study this movie, LIVE this movie. Because otherwise, you may lose the presidency…and the Oscar.

Let me know what you think!

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